Life's Reasons
by Evil Amplified
Summary: The life of a Halliwell was sacrifice, plain and simple. He knew that from the moment he could first talk. Could a simple conversation with the most unlikely of sources show him that life had it's own reasons behind his trip to the past.


**Disclaimer:** Nothing in the Charmed world belongs to me and no copyright infringement is intended.

**Summary:** The life of a Halliwell was sacrifice, plain and simple. He knew that from the moment he could first talk. Could a simple conversation with the most unlikely of sources show him that life had it's own reasons behind his trip to the past, and allow him to move past some of the pain he felt everyday.

**Author's Note:** Season Six. Chris has been in the past for about three months. Before they learn he is not a full Whitelighter or who he really is or his true reason for traveling back in time. For anyone who is familiar with the episodes this would occur shortly before the events of Chris Crossed. Rated Teen. Written for a fanfic contest on Novice Writers.

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**Life's Reasons**

What had gotten into them? What ever would have possessed them to do something like that? He hadn't wanted it. He hadn't asked for it. He couldn't bear it.

Of course they had. That's what they did. The Halliwells had very little opportunity to actually celebrate their lives and would use almost any excuse to find time away from the day-to-day battle against evil that they faced. Even if it meant trying to celebrate an unwanted birthday with their barely tolerated Whitelighter.

Why hadn't he lied to Phoebe that morning when she questioned him about his sour mood? Well his mood was even more sour than usual, he had to admit, but still... _"I just hate birthdays." _It was such a simple little statement. How was he to know she would have realized that it was his own birthday he was lamenting?

And didn't they detest him? Why the hell would they want to celebrate his birthday anyway?

"_Surprise!!" came several loud yells as he orbed into the manor's dining room. He stared all around and his face drained of all color seeing the bright party decorations that adorned almost every inch of the room._

_"I know you are a Whitelighter and all, Chris. And since you already died, you really probably don't celebrate your birthday anymore, but how could we resist?" Paige said screwing up her face with a nervous look hoping he wouldn't mind their little surprise._

_"But how did you…" His voice broke off._

"_Oh, come on, Chris. Who else's birthday could you have been talking about this morning?" Phoebe asked. "I know it has to bug you because you don't age anymore, but what's wrong with celebrating your birthday anyway? We celebrate Leo's every year too," she pointed out thinking she had Chris' resentment over the day already figured out. It had to be hard for someone who no longer aged, and could not be with his family any longer to face special occasions such as this. And she was bound and determined to help him enjoy the day, no matter how much he might protest._

_Chris' head bobbed from side to side as his shocked expression turned into a look of utter downright despair clouding his face for a moment. But only a moment, until it was again overtaken by his usual emotionless façade. "I appreciate this, Phoebe, but this is the last day I would ever want to celebrate." With that his body was consumed in bright white and blue lights just before he vanished from their sight._

That had been about an hour before and none of them had tried to find him thankfully. If they had, it would have been impossible for him to hide the emotions he had successfully blocked out just before he left them. Those emotions that were now tearing him up inside as he sat cross-legged on the highest beam he could find on the Golden Gate Bridge. If it had been at all possible he would have found an even loftier perch to seclude himself away from the rest of the world, but no he couldn't do that. He had to stay near them, just in case… Just in case they needed him.

He sat staring out through teary eyes at the cloudless night, at the millions of stars he could see from his perch and not for the first time in his life felt utterly alone in a cold dark universe, which fought him at every step and mocked him for his pitiful attempts to save the brother he once loved, the family he missed, and the entire world in general.

Was he fooling himself into believing that he could actually find the demon that would someday very soon turn his brother evil? Wyatt! My lord, how had that cute innocent toddler he had seen only a few hours before, have turned into the evil grown monster from his own time? How could that tiny little cherub, who in this time was everything good and pure in the world, one day become the Source of all Evil in his world? If he hadn't seen it for himself he would have never been able to accept the fact. But he had seen it. The death and destruction Wyatt brought to the world in general, all in hopes of gaining and keeping as much power as he could find. The eventual deaths of almost everyone he ever loved. Yes he had seen it all for himself. He had lived it, and nearly died many times because of it.

Those thoughts always consumed his mind in almost every waking hour he spent. Their faces flashed before his eyes every time he even dared to think of resting. Those thoughts and the ones from before. The ones that had brought him to this place on this night. Before Wyatt had ever changed, when he was still Chris' perfect older brother. Oh the damage had been done long before that. The inclination to turn had been planted when he was just a small child. Chris was positive of that. But none of them had ever seen the effects of what happened to him until the Event.

With the thought of that one word a small hitching sob passed his lips unbidden and tears truly did start to cascade down his cheeks. The Event that ruined his life forever. The Event that changed not only Wyatt, but also everyone that he loved. The Event that had changed him. One moment a cocky young teenager fighting evil along side his mother and aunts, the next a shattered and broken young man, who had lost everything.

He had had to continue on. There had been no choice. His family needed him even more. The Charmed Ones were no more. Where once there had been three, now only two remained and the Power of Three was gone forever. There wouldn't be another long lost sister to replace the fallen one. And though the Power of Three was gone the Halliwell family remained, and without the protection of the Charmed Ones they all became targets of evil. So he had continued the fight helping his aunts as best he could. But he could never replace her. Not her. No one could. And an evil crept up on them from within. One none of them had ever expected. One that had broken all of their hearts in the end.

But had Chris really survived? His body remained, walking, talking, and interacting with others. Fighting evil, fighting his own brother, saving lives as often as he could, taking others when it was necessary.

But what of his soul? No, not that. That had perished eight years before. It had been pierced through the heart just as her heart had been. There was nothing left except tattered remains. He still loved. He still yearned for comfort and the nearness of another soul. But his was lost and nothing could ever change that.

He heard the sound of orbs tinkling just a few feet beside him and a bright blue light lit the night sky around him. He quickly reached up and wiped away the tears staining his cheeks and waited for the inevitable voice he knew would accompany that presence not even bothering to turn towards it.

"Hey, Chris. The sisters are looking for you," the voice said almost softly.

He cleared his throat and hoped when he spoke his voice would not waver. "They weren't calling. I would have heard them."

"No, they are under the impression that they somehow angered you so they asked me to come find you," Leo said taking a seat next to the Whitelighter waiting for his reaction.

Angered? My, wasn't that a switch? Wasn't it he that always made them angry in his incessant attempts to find the demon that turned Wyatt? "No, I'm not angry," he said crossing his arms in front of him never bothering to turn to the Elder sitting right next to him. The Elder that would someday be his father. But not yet. He wasn't born in this timeline yet, so neither Leo nor… the thought cut off in his mind as he realized he was still thinking of her. Thoughts of her on this day would only serve to bring back the tears he so desperately had been trying not to shed.

"Chris, what can celebrating your birthday hurt?" Leo asked. Piper and the sisters had explained to him what Chris' reaction to the celebration was and honestly considering the fact that Leo himself had died many, many years before he could understand Chris' reluctance to celebrate life, but still… "They only meant to do something nice for you." He was alone in a time that was not his own, and only had their company to cling too. Of course it would be hard. But they were only attempting to make it easier on him.

Chris' eyes closed and he remembered the looks on their faces when he orbed in to the dinning room. There had been a little trepidation, but he had also seen something else. He had seen that same look on their faces as when he was a child growing up with them, excitement, and anticipation. Excitement that accompanied all happy events in their lives and anticipation in hopes that he would enjoy the day. It was the same as he remembered, and it was hard not to feel his heartstrings pulling at the thought that they truly had done it for him. To make him happy even if they didn't know that he would someday be a member of their own family. To them he was a stranger, but still they had wanted to please him. How long could that really last at the rate he was going? Everyday he pushed them just a little bit harder and everyday they resented him just a little bit more for it.

But Leo was waiting expectantly for an answer from him. He'd have to speak. "I know they meant well, but they don't know what this day means for me."

"Chris, I understand. I had the same problem for a few years after I first became a Whitelighter. It's hard to think about those you love continuing with their lives without you, never able to see them again. But it's really an honor to be chosen as a Whitelighter. It just proves the good you've done with your life while you had it…" Leo began to give the speech that he had many times given to other Whitelighters who were having a hard time adjusting to their new roles as guardian angels.

Chris just shook his head. He couldn't blame Leo for getting it wrong. How was he to know that Chris hadn't become a Whitelighter through dying? That he was born half-Whitelighter and half-Witch. But still Chris resented the fact that he was using a rehearsed speech to try to help him. "That's not it at all," he growled angrily. "You don't know anything about me, so don't assume that one of your Whitelighter pep talks is gonna fix this."

Leo blanched slightly at the venom he heard in Chris' voice. What had he said that would elicit that kind of reaction? "Fine, Chris. If I have it all wrong then why don't you explain to me why this day is so hard for you." Leo did not really expect to hear an answer. Chris never gave them straight answers about the future. It was always 'future consequences', like that did anything to help them be better prepared for whatever they had to face.

But Chris surprised him this one time. "I've had reason to hate this day for longer than any of you might imagine." He couldn't suppress the emotion those words elicited as his voice trembled.

Leo blinked slightly at that and at the sound of Chris' voice. He had yet to see his face, which Chris had kept turned away from him during the entire conversation. "Chris, look at me, please." It was not said in anger, but only in soft concern, knowing that something was more wrong with the young Whitelighter than he could have ever imagined.

Chris didn't want to do that. He didn't want Leo to see his reddened eyes or to realize the pain he was truly in, but he couldn't refuse. Even after all of the times he had sworn that he hated his father for not being there for him as a child, he was still his father, even if he had no clue to that fact yet. And when he used that voice, the one that said he knew Chris was hiding something Chris could not just ignore him or even refuse. So he sighed deeply and turned to face him not bothering to try to shield his emotions. It was impossible at that moment anyway.

Leo saw how puffy and red the skin around Chris' eyes were and could even still see wet tracks running down his cheeks where many tears had fallen not too long before. But what caught his attention the most were his eyes. Those green depths that normally showed no emotions were now filled to the brim with nothing but pain and misery and they twinkled in the starlight with even more unshed tears. Leo had to force back the gasp of surprise he felt seeing that on a face he had never thought would show anything but anger and disrespect to him. "Chris…"

"Please just don't…" Chris whispered praying that for once Leo would just let it go and let him have a little bit of time to himself.

But Leo couldn't stand back and watch someone in that much pain and not try to do something about it. "Chris, whatever happened to you, I'd like to help."

Chris looked away again. This was so wrong on so many levels. The Leo Chris had known growing up had never really taken the time to try to help him with anything, and especially not in the days after the Event. He had been lost in his own pain and grief over losing the woman he loved and the pain his sons felt hadn't been enough to bring him out of that. "I don't need your help." _Not anymore_. If he couldn't be there when Chris originally needed him, why would Chris allow him to be there now?

Leo had thought for just a moment there that maybe he would somehow be able to break through the angry barrier between them but no, not this time. Maybe never. But he still couldn't just leave without at least saying something. "Chris, no matter what life, and especially the magical life that we lead, takes from us, it always leaves something behind. Something inside of us that is not tangible and in most cases cannot even be seen by the naked eye. It leaves behind a little part of what is taken and even though that very thing may hurt us, it also shapes us, and can sometimes draw others to us that we don't even realize that we need. Whatever it is that you lost is the very thing that makes the sisters and even I want to help you. Life wouldn't make it that way without a reason."

After several long moments with no response from Chris, Leo finally orbed away realizing that the young man would still not confide in him. He knew that if Chris truly changed his mind and wanted to, he could always find him.

Chris hadn't known what to say to Leo. No one had ever told him something like that before. He had heard way too many times how there was a reason for everything in life and that if someone he cared for was taken away by death that it somehow went towards helping the greater good, and that was acceptable, because that's what his family was all about. Saving innocents and protecting the 'greater good'.

But never once had anyone ever told him that people were brought into your life to try help you through the losses you had suffered. That was something for the individual, not for the 'greater good' or the world in general. It was not a concept that many Halliwells were every allowed to dwell on. They were meant to sacrifice everything for others, but very rarely allowed to keep anything for themselves.

Could what Leo said be true? Had destiny forced him to travel back through time, not only to save his brother and the future world in general, but also to repair some of the damage that had been done to him along the way? Because truthfully there was no other person in the world that could repair his heart other than the one he had lost eight years ago on this day.

But could he ever truly bear to let them close enough to do that, knowing that no matter what he changed in the past when he returned to his own time, she might still not be there?

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_A/N: Sad, I know, but it's just one of those little things that I needed to write. Comments?_


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